I just want to STOP time!

Just 3 weeks.  That’s all I have left…

That thought doesn’t turn me into a sobbing mess, as you’d probably expect.  NO – it just makes my heart race, my palms sweat and my head spin.  I feel like I’m having a panic attack.  Like there is an impending doom that I can’t escape.  Like a huge black cloud hanging over my head and no matter which way I turn, it follows me.

I try to get lost in the busyness of preparing for my first born’s departure for college.  I try to get lost in living in the here and now, the present moment.  I try to get lost!  But no matter what I do, the 24 hours in each day seems to be speeding up.  The faster they go, the more constricted my throat feels, like I can’t breath and I’m going to vomit all at the same time.

There is so much in my life that I CAN control, influence, or manage…..

But when it comes to the ticking of time, I am at its mercy.

This is it.  Just 3 weeks until D-day (drop off day).  I’ve tried to prepare myself for this day.  But how can one prepare themselves for a total and complete life change unlike anything they’ve ever experienced.  I often wonder if the “thinking about it” part is worse than just doing it, and getting it over with?

I don’t need my children to define who I am.  And yet…..for 18 years I have been Ben’s mom.  His cheerleader, voice of reason and life teacher all in one.  I’ve been his Mommy, Mom, and Ma.  I’ve been there when he needed me, when he wanted me and when he wished I lived in a different house (or state).  In 3 weeks I will wake up and while my title will not have changed, my role will.  I don’t know how to parent from a distance.  I don’t know how to do this and I’m terrified that I will fail miserably!

A dear friend gave me a piece of advice a few weeks ago.  I didn’t like what she said.  But I trust her and I will follow it because deep in my heart I know it is right.  She told me once I leave Ben in his new home, I should not email, text, facebook, call or write him…..not until he reaches out first.

But what if he’s alone and afraid and doesn’t want to appear weak.  Worse yet, what if everything is great, he’s meeting awesome people, he’s involved and loving his new life…..and he forgets about me.  What if he doesn’t communicate with me for a few days or weeks……or ever again.  What if the role I thought I played in his life wasn’t all that I believed it was.  What if we’ve been living 2 different realities.

Some people are afraid of snakes, heights, or the dark.  Me?  I’m afraid of not having an awesome relationship with my children.  That realization is almost shocking enough to make me gasp.  But then I have flashbacks of my relationship (or lack thereof) with my mom, and I suddenly understand…..it’s not shocking at all.

I KNOW it will all be ok!  I KNOW this is exactly what is supposed to be happening, for him and for me!  I KNOW there is awesomeness on the other side of this transition.

I KNOW….no matter how much my head knows, my heart still hurts.

Twenty-one more days and this angel that changed my life the moment I held him in my arms will be starting the next chapter of his life.

For now, I’m finding comfort in my memories….

INQUISITIVE

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HANDSOME

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KIND

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FREE SPIRIT

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ATHLETIC

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HAPPIEST IN THE MOUNTAINS

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With joy, gratitude & love

Comments

  1. Tricia Daniels says:

    Debi,
    Thank you for your inspiration!

    Tricia

  2. I appreciate your honesty. I have four years and then two go at once. I try not to think about it other than to spend all the time with them that I can now.

    • Hey Matt,
      Not sure if it’s a blessing or a curse – but I know no other way to be than authentic! I have learned SO many things this past year – but I’d have to say BEING PRESENT & LIVING IN THE MOMENT was the greatest lesson / gift of all! I thought I knew or understood what that meant and how to do it. But counting down the days of this past year have given me the opportunity to experience it in a whole new light. When it’s all said and done – RELATIONSHIPS are all that matter. So YES – spend as much time with them as they will allow you to spend (that may change over the course of the next 4 years) – but each moment is precious, no matter how long or short it lasts. hugs!

  3. Ginger Dotter says:

    Debi, As this transition leaves you feeling vulnerable and uncertain, trust in yourself and the solid bond you have built with your 1st born. This journey will be filled with challenges, but even more celebrations!! Hang in there! Ginger

    • Thanks Ginger! Very wise words indeed! In fact – just the words I needed to hear! Trust in what I have and faith in what’s to come! Hugs!

  4. Tracy LoAlbo says:

    Debi……..so beautifully written. I am feeling the same way right now and the countdown for us is ONE week!!! We need to hold each other accountable for the advice that the dear friend gave to you! :) Deep down I know that it is right, but it will be difficult. I know that we are in this together.
    Much love and hugs!!!

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